this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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