his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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