i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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