my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
