I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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