Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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