at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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