I just made out with a guy for $7.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
