dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
