the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize