there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
