i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
