soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
