So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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