I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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