Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
