I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize