u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
