my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize