I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just gargled with NyQuil
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
