seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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