sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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