had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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