Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
