What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
