Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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