Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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