Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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