I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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