lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
