im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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