I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
