My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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