i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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