On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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