Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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