Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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