I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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