He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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