Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
