i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
don't judge my taste in strippers
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
