I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
