dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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