Just fell off a train. Bad.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
