im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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