I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
