My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Drunk is a universal language darling
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