I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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