dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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