I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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