I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
