Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
