I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
