I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
