god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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