goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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