I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
