I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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