I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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