just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
